--------------------------------------------------

By the way, I don't like paragraphing. It's against my policies on life... Why use 1 word when a thousand will do?

" i b e t t h a t i ' v e g o t w a y m o r e p i e r c i n g s t h a n y o u . . . "
o r ,
" H o w T o B e P u n k I n S e v e r a l E a s y S t e p s "

In this day and age it has come to be accepted that there is no such thing as punk and can be no such thing as punk in its purest, true form. However, for all those of you out there who are wishing and wishing that you could finally get to be a true punk, here's how to do it. A large part of punk lies in the image you have. I say "Appear punk and be a punk." This issue: DRESSING PUNK. The recommended standard punk uniform is as follows:
Let's start at the foundations of the body, the feet. A good solid pair of shoes is needed. Something that will withstand the ferocity of the pit that will ensue when the local KoRn ripoffs claiming to be a hardcore band appear on stage. Don't get Nike or Reebok as these are the kind of things that your arch enemies, kids who like dance will wear. You must show a knowledge of what is cool in the skating world. Vans, Airwalk and other such brands are all acceptable. Another reason for not buying Nike is because of the slave labour factories they run in Asia where the staff are overworked and underpaid. The slave labourers for Vans and Airwalk that are overworked and underpaid like their job though so it's okay. To look really punk, you might consider getting a really large pair of shoes and padding them with newspaper to make them seem really chunky. You will also need to invest in several pairs of socks. Recommended this season is the Argyle pattern because it's golf and Fat Mike and The Vandals play golf so it's the new punkrock. Trousers or shorts can be the most vital part of shaping your punk image. They should be as baggy as possible. This is absolutely compulsory! If they show your underpants, all the better. Another advantage to baggy trousers is that they have deep pockets. These will prove useful as you will be able to thrust your hands deeply away making it seem like you actually hate the pop band that's playing that you don't want to admit to liking cause your friends don't. Although they'll be thinking the same thing as you. A canvas belt will help to keep up your baggy pants and will also look really cool because skaters wear them. You MUST also consider attaching a wallet chain as there is no way you can be punk if you don't have one of them. Also, how else are you going to hook around people's arms and legs in the pit and flail them in the face? Alternatively, if you want to be REALLY punk, don't wear a wallet chain at all. Wait, no.. that doesn't.. oh, erm, shit. "Skate" shorts are proving to be very punk this summer. Get a pair of trousers and cut a few inches off the bottom in order to achieve this effect. The longer you can get them without entirely hiding every bit of bare leg the better. REMEMBER! Always wear your argyle socks with your skate shorts!

Your choice of shirts will also be fundamental to how punk you are. Plain shirts - in assorted colours bought from Peacocks or other such cheap shots are great cause they look like Quiksilver ones but are a quarter of the price. Do not wear US style work shirts with name badges on. They're SO last season. T-Shirts are fine depending on the logo emblazoned accross them. Ska bands are okay for the time being, but if you want to retain any credibility, don't wear them next week cause ska will be out of fashion by then. Of course, vintage ska legends like The Specials, Dance Hall crashers and Smashmouth are okay cause they'll always be in fashion. Fat Wreck and Epitaph bands are not good enough because they're too corporate and most of them have sold out anyway. Post hardcore bands are good because there are so many that nobody has heard of them and this raises an important point - the less heard of the better. A surefire way to make this work is by making up bands and making your own T-Shirts for them. Here's a couple to get you started - The Rotting Enemas, Clayton's Revenge, Garvey Mustangs, KillTheCops, The Rotting Foetuses, The Dead Reagans, Molotov Bitch, The Fungi, The Snots, The Deftones. Have a go. Make your own! By way of jumpers, wear only hooded sweaters. Only this way can you keep warm and look sinister at the same time. Again, the same applies for band logos on them.

A hat can prove Okay, especially if your mum won't let you cut your hair into a mohican. Quiksilver or something skatey would be best. Again, you could wear one with a band logo. NOFX is normally a good punk band who's merchandise you can wear as they'll never go out of fashion. Speaking of hair, it's really cool to have it a crazy colour, but not green because that's too much like Green Day and they sold out a lot as you can see by how much their music has changed since their indie debut Dookie. Recommended haircuts include skinheads, bleached blonde cause sXe hardcore is all the rage this season (why not try it out for a week or two??) mohicans cause they retain so much vintage credibility (but watch out in case the wax melts onto your mum's sofa) and short messy hair, the favoured hairstyle amongst punkers worldwide as it requires minimal effort and dedication just like everything else in punk (apart from sXe but nobody can be bothered with that cause it will be unfashionable by next week..)

And there you have it. Follow my simple steps to punkdom and you'll be there in no time. More soon... but I'm off for a cigarrette for the time being. So fuck off.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well here we are again kids...
Today we will look at:

Forming your own punk band.
Punk mannerisms.
Talking punk.
Your letters.

Forming your own punk band is a useful step in working your way up to being a real punk. Do you have a message? No? Well.. it's not important anyway. First you must find two or three other friends who also want to be punk. Next decide on a name. A name that seems funny at first and then less funny each time you hear it is always best. For example, look at the success of such wannabe punk acts as NOFX, No Use For A Name, Ronald Ray-Gun and Silverchair. All bands with relatively no talent whatsoever. After that start designing t-shirts and selling them at local punk gigs. Offer your designing services to other local bands but then don't do any for them and trick them instead. Ha-ha! You must then all buy guitars until two of you have learnt to play Molly's Lips by Nirvana and then stop being friends with the other until they learn drums or bass. Once they have done that play covers for two years until you are good enough to write your own songs and then do so. Well now all you've got to do is wait.

Punk talk. Punk talk is a complex language that will come naturally in time. To learn it, you must memorize these simple phrases. Say them to punks and learn what they say in response. You will then be able to converse fluently.

Hello = What the fuck are you cunts doing here?
They're a middle aged ska band = They're like, fucking, old shit ska and they're all like, fucking 50 or something.
I play in a band called Ronald Ray-Gun. = I'm in a punk band. We're like, really fucking fast. All our old stuff is shitty pop and we're like really hardcore now. We're called Ronald Ray-Gun. Like Ronald Reagan, only Ray-Gun. [Punks are notoriously stupid.]
Bother/ Oops/ D'oh = Fuck/ Shit/ Motherfucker
That's a shame = That really fucking sucks.
They've got a record coming out soon = They've fucking sold out.
I heard of them in a review a short while ago = I fucking liked them fucking ages ago when they were good but they're just fucking shit now and they've fucking sold out. I've got all their old records and I went to all the gigs they played. They're really shit. Fucking bollocks. Fuck.

Punk mannerisms are also necessary to survive in the world of punk.

Spit. Whether you need to or not. Spit if you are smoking, in someone else's house or if you have to say the words Day and Green in the same sentence. Spitting shows that you have a blatant disrespect for where ever you are. Spit on your friend's carpet in front of their mum and they will both think you are really punk.
Smoke. Always smoke cause it will make your singing voice really punky. And smoke cheap cigarettes so you can say that you don't buy things from big companies cause they're really corporate and they're fascists.
Swear. Using a swearword has more impact. Green Day Suck. Green Day fucking suck. Never seem passive to anything or people will think you're a pussy and will kick you in the moshpit. Using swearwords will avoid this ambivalence.
Be ambiguous. So that you can always say I told you so. eg "They might fucking sell out."
Show your ass at every opportunity because it makes people think you are really crazy and naughty and then they will also think you are punk and they will respect you.

Your letters. Only 1 letter so far. Leave your questions here and I will give you advice on being punk :

Dear Dr. Ewan, should I take drugs?
offspring and green day fan, san FRANcisco

Dear offspring fan.
Taking drugs is really important. Drugs make you look punky cause you get scabs and look ill like when punks used to drink cider. If you don't do drugs then you are straight edge and sXe suX because it's hardcore and not punk. Smoke pot cause this will give you red eye and everyone will know you're stoned. Or just pretend to smoke pot and rub your eyes lots and blink a lot and laugh at things that aren't funny and your friends will think you're really cool. Don't take speed cause kids who like dance do speed. Also, whether you take drugs or not, say lots of drug things. eg "That was a fat chronic blunt." "I need to buy some blow to smoke in my ecstasy pipe." "I have a crack pipe." "I have some bong and spliff weed. Ganja man! Toke!" "Do you want to come back to mine and we can drink some heroin?" I hope this answers your question. from Dr. Ewan.

I want some acid for my bong man...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here I am again with the third and even less entertaining installation in the How To Be A Punk trilogy.
Today : Accesorizing to complete the punk image.

Hats and wallet chains we have dealt with previously. I choose not to class them in the accessories category as they are so integral to being punk, but here are a couple of other items that can make you really punk.

A skateboard - is one of the most punk things in the world. It will confirm suspiscions founded by your skate shoes, skate shorts and skate headwear. Make sure you spend a lot of money on it or the punk fashion police will sniff you out with their punk fashion police sniffer dogs (complete with wallet chains) and beat you up in the moshpit. Get a second hand one if you can because it will look like you've had it for longer and can actually ride it and do stuff. WARNING! Take care when mixing skateboards and wallet chains!

A wallet - that costs more than all the money you'll ever put in it. You may also want to consider attaching it to your wallet chain. That'd be really cool. WARNING! If you do have a wallet on the end of your chain, it is possible you'll be forced into buying a 7" or zine at a gig.

Safety Pins - do you remember graffitiing pictures in your textbooks at school when you were young by drawing safety pins through people's ears, noses and eyes? Remember how punk it looked? Even I, the overall authority on being a punk am not entirely sure why people wear safety pins. I think it's because they're cheap and they really hurt.

A backpack - that cost almost as much as your wallet is a surefire way of becoming punk. Carry around posters and fliers for your new punk band's gigs and when you see other punks coming start giving them out to passers by and pretending that you've been giving them to everyone so that they see you and ask about your band and then you can make friends with some other real punks. Also carry round a selection of punk CDs in it as well in case someone sees inside.

Necklaces and bracelets - are good, even if you are a guy. Get ones that are made out of the same kind of chain as your wallet chain and get them as tight as possible so that you appear really big and muscle bound. Also, tight chains can't be caught on other people when you're slammin' in the pit.

Facial hair - is only really a good one for guys. You girls can try it too but don't blame me if it backfires. A popular style with all the punk catwalk models this season is long sideburns, and a really tiny goatee. Make sure the spike in your bottom lip is visible.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The final step in becoming punk: FORMING A PUNK RECORD COLLECTION.
By the abusive northerner.
You must buy lots of punk samplers very cheap and then count them as punk albums when you compare record collections with your friends. Punk CD collections are of punk bands. Obvious you may think, but why then do people say they are punk and still have records by the horrendous THE*ATARIS in their collection. They are just a shitty lame ripoff pop band after all and are pseudo punks, whereas you by this point, are almost the real thing. Punk bands can be divided up into three groups. The Purists out there will say that punk cannot be categorised and in time, you too may learn to pretend that a shred of originallity exists in the scene. But for now, the truth only. This rundown of punk will help you decide what sort of collection you should form.

1 - The Old Style Punk Rock Band.
This group binds together two generations of cerebrally challenged misfits whose sound was derived from a late seventies idea that chords were unfashionable trousers and therefore had no place on a guitar neck. It is comprised of two sub-divisions:

(a) The group of ageing ex-hospital porters and school lab technicians who decided to reform and carry on playing their sole late seventies hit "Sick Is Great, Smash The Cistern" until the end of time - an entire section of society is currently employed in the punk reform movement. The fact that most of the bands no longer contain a single original member has nothing to do with the validity or authenticity of the music they play. In fact all of these bands have demonstrated a truly rare gift of being able to sound ten times worse than the bollocks they churned out twenty years ago. Which if you ever heard them back then, is indeed a stunning feat.

(b) The group of 15 year olds who, bless 'em, don't know any better - Right, take it from me, because a friend of my uncle's boss was there all the way through and he will absolutely guarantee that the 70s were crap. He says the clothes were crap, the haircuts were crap, the cars were crap, the TV was crap and the music was crap.

Old Style punk bands can be further subdivided into two more categories:
i) RUBBISH.
ii) FUCKING RUBBISH.

You may at times have to pretend to like these bands as punk fashion is very temperamental. Mutter these sentences to your friends at gigs.

The Exploited are fucking great / shit aren't they?
Anti-Pasti? Have you ever heard such a steaming lump of dog shit / great punk rock in your life?

2 - The New Style Punk Rock Band
The thing about new punk rock bands is that they actually have an idea. It may be a shit one, but it's an idea nonetheless. New Style punk rock sounds like heavy metal when you play it at the wrong speed so find records of New Style punk bands by performing such a test in your local record store. This won't work on CDs and 7"s look cooler anyway but don't worry if you don't have a record player or if you don't even know what one is.

How to be a new style punk:

Wear a wallet chain.
Carry a skateboard.
Never buy a record unless your friends say it is cool first. And then don't cause it'll be copying. The only way to have a cool record collection is to have no records. [Wait, it's another one of those contradictions isn't it?!?]
Act American. This is essential. Any resemblance to any americanisms are cool. eg, if this whole thing is annoying you, your grasp of irony is already American. If you are already American, act even more american.

3 - The Pop Punk Band
This is the kind of band that's not cool enough to be a punk band, so the members go one better and be pop which ultimately makes their attitude more punk than anyone else.

You like pop punk if:
a) you can hear the words to your favourite record. With old style punk the singer will sound akin to a weasel on speed lecturing on the relevance of James Bond movies to the world in terms of metaphors. Pop punk lyrics will be audible and pronounced and may even make sense, which results in pop punk bands all being sell outs.

b) Your friend owns the same record as you. Pop punk fans seem to like the music they listen to and listen to it together.

Ask yourself, "Do I like my records?"
If the answer is "No, they're anally retentive repetitive shit" then you are old style punk.
If the answer is "I don't have any records cause I'm afraid that if I do get any, my friends will hate them and me as well." then you're a new style punk.
If the answer is "Yes. They are listenable and enjoyable" then you are a pop punker and hence not really punk at all. It is recommended you go over what you have been taught in the past and try harder to be punk in future.

And there you have it. Become punk, choose a punk genre based on compilations and build up your collection around that. In a few seasons you will probably need to like dance music again as your friends will, but that's okay, because you'll have lots of 'original' punk when it comes back into fashion in another 20 years time.

And thus my advice to you is finished.

I will finish with a letter, and this will quite possibly be the last time you all hear from Dr. Ewan.

Dear Dr. Ewan,
you are so amusing. Thank you for telling me how to get credibility!
Lots of love, your number one fan, Kris Roe's plectrum, California.

In response to your letter Ms. Plectrum, I am not amusing. I am punk, and for me to be punk and amusing would be an absolute contradiction of terms. Punk is serious, with a serious message. And if you're being sarcastic, then your irony is all too punk and you are rivaling even me. DON'T!