BUSH ASKS NON-U.S. OLYMPIANS TO UNITE
BEHIND AMERICA BY FINISHING BEHIND AMERICA

"Don't Let Enemies of Freedom Celebrate Our Losses," Says President Bush

Park City, Utah (SatireWire.com) — Saying there could be no greater blow to the enemies of freedom than to see the United States win gold, President George W. Bush today called upon non-U.S. Olympians to unite behind America by finishing behind America.

The full text of the President's speech, given to more than 1,000 international athletes gathered in Utah for the 2002 Winter Olympic Games, follows:

Bush later spoke to U.S. National Guard troops, who will provide security at the Olympics and help ensure event judges join the coalition.
"Good morning international Olympians, and welcome to our country. As you know, in the past several months, the forces of freedom and liberty have been sorely tested. Together, we have passed that test. But today, I come to make you aware of a new threat to America and, by extension, to all of us. You.

"You are a threat because, while America's ideals remain noble and our cause is ever just, our ski jumpers are lousy. You are a threat because our nation has a spirit that can overcome any enemy, at any time, in any place — except in luge. And let's not even start on curling.

"And so we have a problem. We have a problem because the enemies of justice, the enemies of liberty and prosperity, would like nothing more than to see America's weaknesses exploited. They would like nothing more than to celebrate our humiliation on the international stage that is the Olympics. You must not let this happen. You must help us strike another blow against the forces of tyranny and oppression. Athletes of the world, in these Olympic Games, unite behind America by finishing behind America.

"Show our enemies your mettle by allowing the U.S. to win all the medals.

"In this noble crusade... sorry, wrong word. In this noble campaign, we have already been pledged the support of our staunchest ally, Great Britain. But so what? They're no good at winter sports. To succeed, we need our other allies, friends such as Germany and Russia, Norway and Canada, to join us on the medal stand of freedom. Specifically, one of you should stand beside us and slightly down and to our right, and the other should stand slightly further down and to our left.

"It might also be a nice touch if you learned the words to our National Anthem. They're printed on the back of your ID cards.

"I see many of you are shaking your heads, and I realize that this campaign requires sacrifice. After all, you have trained your entire lives just to get here. You dream of a gold medal, and honor for your country. Those are worthy dreams. But now is not the time for petty nationalism. Now is not the time to give hope to the wicked who would revel in our losses, which, as I understand it, we will definitely have in women's giant slalom.

"Some of you, particularly those of you who are now shouting out words in your colorful native languages, should also think on this. Your efforts will have meaning, not just around the world, but right here in America. Last week, in the Super Bowl, a team called the "Patriots" won the game, and a star-spangled halftime show won our hearts. Now comes your chance. What better tribute for you to give than to allow the United States of America to win every Olympic gold medal, in every event, in front of the home crowd.

"But make no mistake, this campaign will not be easy, and it will not be swift. It will not be over in a night, or a day, or a week. It will take two weeks, if I read the event schedule correctly. Seventeen days, actually. But I believe it can be done, and it should be done. As one of our fine Olympic coaches said to me just before I arrived in this building, "Mr. President, we will not waver, we will not tire, we will not falter, and we will not fail. Except in biathlon, where we bite the big one."

"Don't let the evildoers say that Liberty bites the big one. Don't let the oppressors boast that Freedom is a loser. During these Olympic Games, I urge you: do your absolute second best. Give it almost everything you've got. Let this be your penultimate moment. Go for the silver.

"Thank you, and may God bless you right after the Closing Ceremonies."